Today started off kind of late for me, I decided to get up last night cause I couldn’t sleep, so I wrote an article on great places to take your kids in Las Vegas at 3am. Amanda who is 16 going on 27, and is destined to make my life a living hell, had her boyfriend over so the very first thing I see when I walk downstairs is the two of them cuddling on the couch. Just what a mother wants to see, after watching tv shows like “16 and Pregnant”. I decided to be the angelic wife that I always am, right, and I made my husband breakfast in bed. Now before you think I am just like the best thing since sliced bread let me tell you what I made him. I made him fried eggs and left over pancakes which I fried in butter. Somehow we ran out of bread, stranger things have happened when you have 9 kids in the house. Now the pancakes were left over from dinner which he made for dinner last night. I came upstairs and flopped down on the bed next to my husband who wanted to know where my breakfast was, I told him I wasn’t hungry, I was to tired to be hungry. He has to top my breakfast and make me a bowl of cereal.
Before long the natives were restless they wanted to play at the park, which sounded pretty funny to me. So apparently Tim and I have short term memory loss because we let David go with us again after his behavior last time. So we all decide to play basketball and play the game HORSE. Somehow they decided to be nice to the crazy old lady and let me win. Next we played a game and the real animal mentalities came out. I was checking the ball and Meghan attacked me clawing at my face, Tim yelled “blood”, “foul”, and I the lucky old lady who was practically crying got to shoot from the foul line, and by making the first basket we won the game and I was put out of my misery. Logan, my sweet, baby, escorted me to the bathroom to clean up my war wounds, says “mommy, what happened” I told him Meghan did it. He said “I knew she was evil”. At the park David was running around like he was possessed. He ran around calling all his sisters and brothers names, wetting the slide and pushing them down, hogging the swings, and just driving me mad. I felt like dropping to my knees and asking god, why I deserved this. All the other family’s children were all well behaved, and we looked like the rat pack. As it was we only had 5 of the kids with us, so I wasn’t sure why we would stick out, so what if we had 2 1/2 times more kids then anyone else. But did our kids have to act like psycho paths too?
On the way home we threatened to make many drop off points “One more incident David, and I will stop this car and you will walk home.” Luckily for him, he made it home on all 4 wheels. On our way home though, we pass the rest of the crew waving frantically to us. I am not sure where they expected us to put them. Let me see 7 passenger mini van, with 7 people inside, where are the 4 people on the side of the road going to go, not in our car, so we past. As soon as we past, Bradley calls me on the phone, wondering why we did not pick them up and wanting to tell us what happened.
Apparently his on again off again girlfriend, who is currently off was playing games again and this time was either A. trying to make him jealous or B. trying to kick his ass. The one that was going to either make him jealous or kick his ass was a girl dressed up like a boy. She wanted Bradley to meet him by the lake just with the younger kids, Bradley who obviously had some sense about him brought his brother with the broken back, his younger sister, and her boyfriend. Whatever the plan was it didn’t work, and I am not sure what the latest status is.
We got home and realized that a pack of rats had visited our home and had eaten all the food, we had to go shopping again. So we made a list of the usual items rats eat - milk, cereal, ice cream, chips, you know the eating habits of hungry rats.
We pulled into the grocery store and it was difficult finding a place to park our
car, there was a very hot car taking up 2 spots, obviously the owner did not know that old crappy Camaro’s are out of style and certainly not worthy of 2 spots. In a normal story this would be a case of foreshadowing.
So we go around the aisles picking up all the food that rats like to eat and I feel like we are against all odds everyone is going the opposite direction as us in the aisles and everyone is the most important shopper there. Talk about aisle hoggers, and they were all deaf because if you said excuse me, it was ignored.
We hurry to make it to one register with no one in line, as people come through the line the wrong way saying nasty things about the cashiers, young men saying “I’ll show her my dick, I am sure she’ll like that” and they push their way past us. Now let me just say that if they were my children they would have bubbles coming out of their mouths for days, not to mention a sore ass. We just happened to be walking behind them on the way out of the store as well. The group was with their grandmother and they were dropping the F bomb like it was a bad rendition of Scarface. I had all I could do not to adopt them for 5 minutes just to give them some good old fashioned parenting. As they walked out the door, Tim and I looked at each other and at the same time said “dirt bags”. And guess what? They were the rightful owners of the hot Camaro. You know the old piece of shit of course.
So we get home and apparently we have moved out to the arc. Because in the process of Amanda deciding to make a Hot Pocket Dylan is asked to fix the circuit breaker and we discover that we now live on water. Our basement had at least 2 feet of water in it. I guess our property value just went up because we now have an indoor pool. Ok kids get your bathing suits, let’s go for a swim. And Tim baby we can go skinny dipping in the moonlight.
So dinner comes around at 10pm, who says we have to be like the Jones. Hell we have 9 kids we do everything different. Now it is midnight and I am going to write one more article and go to sleep, I hope unless something else exciting happens. Thanks for reading, see you tomorrow.
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